Transcription of an interview to Joan Garriga by Alvaro Gomez. Original source: Ama bien a tu pareja, dile: Sin ti también me iría bien. Joan Garriga
The good love
“I am I and you are YOU. I am not in the world to fulfil your expectations, and you are not in the world to fill mine. I am to be myself and live my life, you are to be yourself and live your life. If we meet, it will be beautiful! If we do not, nothing will be done". This is the thought of Fritz Perls -creator of Gestalt therapy- about the loving relationship on couples, which Joan Garriga has applied to thousands of couples since 26 years ago when he co-founded the Gestalt Institute (Institut Gestalt) of Barcelona, specializing in gestalt, PNL (Neurolinguistic Programming) and Family Constellations. Garriga summarized his experience in the book El buen amor en la pareja (The good love in the couple) (Destino publisher).
- Do we need a couple?
+ We crave a link that provides us a sense of belonging, intimacy, sexuality and growth.
- And the couple gives it to us?
+ Yes, but today we want the couple to serve the SELF..., and that complicates everything.
- Better alone than in bad company?
+ Yes... but almost everyone prefers bad company! We tend to prefer some link... even a one of bad love!
- What to do to have good love?
+ There are four stages. First, falling in love: "I am interested in you..., but I don't know much about you." Second, relationship: "I know you better, and yet I choose to be with you!".
- Third
+ Commitment: "We are creating something more important than our families of origin and previous partners."
- And fourth?
+ Dedication: "I love you and what guides you". This is already a highly developed love...
- Why?
+ It is the spontaneous desire to make each other happy. You are happy when the other is happy!
- Big words, right?
+ Yes! Meanwhile, it matters to know this: nobody, nobody!, can make you happy!. And nobody, nobody!, can make you unhappy.
- So...?
+ Your happiness depends only on your intimate connection with your inner self.
- Does that happen?
+ A couple is not two people: it is the convergence of two family systems.
- What cost and benefit has the couple?
+ "Is it better to marry or remain single?", somebody asked Socrates, who said, "Marry. If things go well, you will be a little happier. And if you go wrong... you will be a philosopher!"
- Give me an example of bad love.
+ "I could not live without you", we tell to our partner, as if we were children and that is a bad love! Good love: "without you I would also go well"...
- Ah
+ ..."but as an adult, I choose to be with you". + "I love you for being you", we say, and it is not good!: good love is "I love you... despite of how you are", this is, good love accepts the shadows of the other, admits and smoothes over the asperities of the egos that are converging.
- Keep going, keep going...
+ "I want a couple": bad love! Stop demanding... do something!: "I better get ready to have a couple." Find your way to be a good partner..., and the rest will come by itself.
- Something very intense and emotional?
+ No! Such turbulences impoverish and devitalise the relationship, they come from child wounds and old yearnings not fulfilled. The enriching experience is when the relationship flows easily!
- Every couple is a relationship of power.
+ No! It is cooperation, in which one and one is more than two. Bad love: "I give you all".
- Why?
+ Giving so much can result in a feeling of debt in the other person, and make him/her to feel small. There is no equality. Give what the other can return without having to lose his/her dignity!
- What if one party requests, "Give me more"?
+ Maybe he/she is anchored in a role of dissatisfaction that feeds from demand: whatever you give to him/her, it will be always insufficient!
- Another example of bad love.
+ When you put your parents or your children before your partner. Good love is: "First WE!, before even our families of origin and our common children".
- Another example of good love.
+ Laugh and mourn together when facing adversities: deaths, abortions, ruins...
- How hard is the very long lasting of a couple, right?
+ Well, it lasts what lasts: enter into the love of couple also means to become a candidate for the pain of its possible end.
- How long does the average couple stay together?
+ We can expect three to four couples throughout our life..., with the consequent emotional stress! Each end teaches us pain and detachment..., and then back again into the track of love and life.
- Give one last tip to encourage good love in a couple.
+ Do not assume that you know all about your partner. Look at him/her again every day as if he/she was a new person, and you will see what you was not seeing. We relate to each other by the image that we get about the other person, but... is he/she like that today?
- Loving conclusion.
+ As I said: we usually claim from the other person: "Make me happy", but the good love consists in feeling the spontaneous desire to make each other happy.
Taken from the La Vanguardia LA CONTRA del 14/03/2013 Joan Garriga
The good love
“I am I and you are YOU. I am not in the world to fulfil your expectations, and you are not in the world to fill mine. I am to be myself and live my life, you are to be yourself and live your life. If we meet, it will be beautiful! If we do not, nothing will be done". This is the thought of Fritz Perls -creator of Gestalt therapy- about the loving relationship on couples, which Joan Garriga has applied to thousands of couples since 26 years ago when he co-founded the Gestalt Institute (Institut Gestalt) of Barcelona, specializing in gestalt, PNL (Neurolinguistic Programming) and Family Constellations. Garriga summarized his experience in the book El buen amor en la pareja (The good love in the couple) (Destino publisher).
- Do we need a couple?
+ We crave a link that provides us a sense of belonging, intimacy, sexuality and growth.
- And the couple gives it to us?
+ Yes, but today we want the couple to serve the SELF..., and that complicates everything.
- Better alone than in bad company?
+ Yes... but almost everyone prefers bad company! We tend to prefer some link... even a one of bad love!
- What to do to have good love?
+ There are four stages. First, falling in love: "I am interested in you..., but I don't know much about you." Second, relationship: "I know you better, and yet I choose to be with you!".
- Third
+ Commitment: "We are creating something more important than our families of origin and previous partners."
- And fourth?
+ Dedication: "I love you and what guides you". This is already a highly developed love...
- Why?
+ It is the spontaneous desire to make each other happy. You are happy when the other is happy!
- Big words, right?
+ Yes! Meanwhile, it matters to know this: nobody, nobody!, can make you happy!. And nobody, nobody!, can make you unhappy.
- So...?
+ Your happiness depends only on your intimate connection with your inner self.
- Does that happen?
+ A couple is not two people: it is the convergence of two family systems.
- What cost and benefit has the couple?
+ "Is it better to marry or remain single?", somebody asked Socrates, who said, "Marry. If things go well, you will be a little happier. And if you go wrong... you will be a philosopher!"
- Give me an example of bad love.
+ "I could not live without you", we tell to our partner, as if we were children and that is a bad love! Good love: "without you I would also go well"...
- Ah+ ..."but as an adult, I choose to be with you". + "I love you for being you", we say, and it is not good!: good love is "I love you... despite of how you are", this is, good love accepts the shadows of the other, admits and smoothes over the asperities of the egos that are converging.
- Keep going, keep going...
+ "I want a couple": bad love! Stop demanding... do something!: "I better get ready to have a couple." Find your way to be a good partner..., and the rest will come by itself.
- Something very intense and emotional?
+ No! Such turbulences impoverish and devitalise the relationship, they come from child wounds and old yearnings not fulfilled. The enriching experience is when the relationship flows easily!
- Every couple is a relationship of power.
+ No! It is cooperation, in which one and one is more than two. Bad love: "I give you all".
- Why?
+ Giving so much can result in a feeling of debt in the other person, and make him/her to feel small. There is no equality. Give what the other can return without having to lose his/her dignity!
- What if one party requests, "Give me more"?
+ Maybe he/she is anchored in a role of dissatisfaction that feeds from demand: whatever you give to him/her, it will be always insufficient!
- Another example of bad love.
+ When you put your parents or your children before your partner. Good love is: "First WE!, before even our families of origin and our common children".
- Another example of good love.+ Laugh and mourn together when facing adversities: deaths, abortions, ruins...
- How hard is the very long lasting of a couple, right?
+ Well, it lasts what lasts: enter into the love of couple also means to become a candidate for the pain of its possible end.
- How long does the average couple stay together?
+ We can expect three to four couples throughout our life..., with the consequent emotional stress! Each end teaches us pain and detachment..., and then back again into the track of love and life.
- Give one last tip to encourage good love in a couple.
+ Do not assume that you know all about your partner. Look at him/her again every day as if he/she was a new person, and you will see what you was not seeing. We relate to each other by the image that we get about the other person, but... is he/she like that today?
- Loving conclusion.
+ As I said: we usually claim from the other person: "Make me happy", but the good love consists in feeling the spontaneous desire to make each other happy.
Taken from the La Vanguardia LA CONTRA del 14/03/2013 Joan Garriga
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